9:55pm on a Wednesday... who the fuck gets drunk on a Wednesday, besides hobos and hookers... I guess I do, but I'm not sure whose company I'd like to associate with... maybe hookers... you get the disease, but you don't get the stench, easier to deal with... from a no-touching perspective at least... so yeah, 9:57pm now... who the fuck gets drunk on a Wednesday...
I've decided to go through a mini mid-life crisis... decided to take a french class and teach myself guitar. I'm currently listening to El Scorcho by Weezer, hoping to learn how to play it... in French, because I'm arrogant like that ahha... Goddamn those half-Japanese girls...they do it to me everytime...anyway... getting my head out of the sand... I'm sitting in my backyard...finally able to see the stars over the streetlights... listening to Weezer, reminiscing about days gone by... where $20 got you 3 pitchers of draught and a pack of smokes and that would do you for the night...when nights spent in a dorm room that was not your own was the fashion, the way things were...
But life gets complicated when you 'grow up'... no longer is it cool that you have $30 to last you a week, that communal packs of smokes, or a pot of KD for all to share passes the time and secures the ties that bond. Life means mortgages, car payments, early-morning hockey practices, after-supper homework, late readings and early risings... I know it's coming, and I'm ready, but until it happens, a mid-life crisis I go...
Beer #4 after Bottle of Wine #2... clarity of thought has retired for the evening already... Jenny tell me how we made sweet sweet sandwiches... I'm Brian... Tuesday night is the night we visit your mother, but Wednesday is the night we make love...it's Business Time... Team Building Exercise 99...
My tangents are a lot less logical on Beer #5... I guess when it comes down to it... do any of us really want to grow up...really?... It has its advantages... and disadvantages... maybe I'll write a song about it on the guitar... assuming I learn that much on the guitar...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Lies: Way Out In The Water, See It Swimming
I'm going to try and start a new swear gesture... I'm quite pleased by it, being the spur of the moment that it was... Another boring as fuck day came to a close at the office, and I was mindlessly stuck in traffic trying to distance myself from that place... I found myself strangely hypnotized by a portable compressor that a city truck was towing behind it... bobbling back and forth between the lane lines... the tail lights dancing before me like fireflies in the night... my head slowly swaying back and forth transfixed... in time with the sway... not noticing that I had crossed out of the left lane partially into the right, thus cutting off a less than enthused proud owner of a rusted Caravan...
I guess, from being an antagonistic forward in hockey, I always hope to get told off in at least an original way, if not a clever one... but alas, this sad specimen of Soccer Mom managed only to muster mouthing "Fuck You" while giving me the finger... though she did it balancing a cigarette, so some skill, though the French judge only gave her a 2.1... It might not have been pretty, but at least it provoked the appropriate response out of me... As if I was channeling some sort of Anger Muse, I shouted back, "Yeah.... Well Occupy This Bitch!" whilst I motioned my hands towards my crotchal region as I thrust forward, causing me to speed forward as my foot was still firmly on the accelerator... that sly smirk sliding across like a cat who just ate the canary... God I'm clever... Jesus... Where is my mind?
I'm still smirking as I pull in my driveway... this has amused me far too much, a testament to a shitty day... I've discovered how close to bachelorhood I am at any given moment... and I don't mean single, far from it... those old habits and ways are just under the surface waiting to crest... Case in point... The fiancee is off to play volleyball and though, I like to think I'm progressive in my views on social issues, she usually does the cooking... this ensures I actually eat healthy... problem is, everything to eat is so damned time-consuming to make... My options are cereal (bachelor's favourite) or wait... there are eggs, omelet it is... I turn to breakfast food more so for the ease than the enjoyment... 5 minutes, done before the coffee is even brewed... Great because no wait, but not so good because you have to cut that pot off early, and that means the first pour is ten times stronger than it needs to be... A quick disrobing and rough scattering of clothes around the living room... SportsCentre on way too loud, and ahhh... this is the life...Jesus... Where is my mind?
I guess, from being an antagonistic forward in hockey, I always hope to get told off in at least an original way, if not a clever one... but alas, this sad specimen of Soccer Mom managed only to muster mouthing "Fuck You" while giving me the finger... though she did it balancing a cigarette, so some skill, though the French judge only gave her a 2.1... It might not have been pretty, but at least it provoked the appropriate response out of me... As if I was channeling some sort of Anger Muse, I shouted back, "Yeah.... Well Occupy This Bitch!" whilst I motioned my hands towards my crotchal region as I thrust forward, causing me to speed forward as my foot was still firmly on the accelerator... that sly smirk sliding across like a cat who just ate the canary... God I'm clever... Jesus... Where is my mind?
I'm still smirking as I pull in my driveway... this has amused me far too much, a testament to a shitty day... I've discovered how close to bachelorhood I am at any given moment... and I don't mean single, far from it... those old habits and ways are just under the surface waiting to crest... Case in point... The fiancee is off to play volleyball and though, I like to think I'm progressive in my views on social issues, she usually does the cooking... this ensures I actually eat healthy... problem is, everything to eat is so damned time-consuming to make... My options are cereal (bachelor's favourite) or wait... there are eggs, omelet it is... I turn to breakfast food more so for the ease than the enjoyment... 5 minutes, done before the coffee is even brewed... Great because no wait, but not so good because you have to cut that pot off early, and that means the first pour is ten times stronger than it needs to be... A quick disrobing and rough scattering of clothes around the living room... SportsCentre on way too loud, and ahhh... this is the life...Jesus... Where is my mind?
Monday, November 7, 2011
Lies: So I'm Gonna Write My Words On The Face Of Today...
Robert Frost once wrote about being thankful for taking a road "less traveled"... You see the gist is, there are two roads that meet at an intersection... to the left of you lies a dark and dangerous path, filled with pitfalls and traps, long, twisting, but ultimately rewarding in richness of knowledge... versus the right, a straight, smooth, plain road that is very direct from point A to point B... yet void of adventure and wisdom... with our author choosing left with no regrets.
What I can't figure out is, who plays the fool? Do you shake your head at a person who chooses left and mutter 'dumbass'... or is it cowardice to go right? What if the road you just came from was as fucked as the choices that lay before you?... Can you not just set up camp, exclaim you'll not go back, but you'll not go further, and twiddle the years away waiting for that one semi to come by that puts you out of your misery?...
I've never been a gambler... each major choice, for the most part, I've made has been contemplated... calculated... slept on... lied awake to... agonized over... and those that I have not performed this ritual on have ended in a bad way... so ok Mikey, learn... think... you find yourself at a fork... what are you going to do?...I'll sleep on it...
Morning comes... I've had to change my alarm to my fiancee's voice sternly lecturing, "Wake the Fuck Up" so at least I hear an alarm... though I snooze it 10 times before I finally stumble to the shower... staying under the hot water for half an hour trying to gain my wits... Another half an hour passes as I rush out the door and head for my morning coffee... same routine... same routine that has me arriving to work half an hour late... but I don't care... I've stopped caring long ago... if I didn't have to go back, I wouldn't be too upset... but that's the problem with ruts, once your in them, if you're not equipped, it take a lot of effort to get out.
It's not that my work is a bad place to be... many people quite enjoy it, and even more are struggling to get in... It's more... I'm just done with my profession as a whole... I promised myself 10 years, and I'm 3 years overdue keeping it. But I analyze... if this is the fork, then right would be to stay gainfully employed at a job I'm good at, and paid well for, yet void of adventure and wisdom... and left... well... left would be a number of lefts really... since my only secondary skills are sandblasting, football, and having a wealth of useless trivia... not too promising...
Oh First World Problems... they seem so daunting... but when I ask myself if when I'm old, I can look back at my life and say that I've made a difference... if I had to judge to date... the answer is no... so, when life is hard you have to change...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Lies: Rebel Without a Cause...
It's 3:50pm... I've been staring at a blank form page for this blog for about an hour now... It's hidden behind a remote desktop session of a server I've been building, but I still see it, staring back at me, waiting in anticipation for the first keystroke. There is so much going on in the world right now, Haiti, Egypt, Algeria, still Iraq, still Afghanistan, still shitty economy, still snow to shovel, still still still...yet, I don't care...I really, really don't care...
When I was young, I was pretty involved in World Politics... to the point that there was this one girl who liked me, and I liked her back, but she was involved in the Young Liberals, and me being PC Youth...well...just couldn't have that union happen... I would discuss ad nauseum issues with my Poli Sci profs, or Religious Studies profs if that were the subject that interested me that day... I would hatch plans, defend opinions, plot actions, and know the feeling of power that an undetermined future gave you... Meh... what crap...
Call it innocence lost if you want to be melodramatic... or growing up if you are more realistically inclined... or satiated with life as it is if you are an activist... regardless... what it all boils down to is comfort... I have become comfortable in my life... Lost is the will to stand up in anger over anything more offending than my Roger's Cable bill... People are dying, struggling to make a better life for themselves and their family, and all I can think is, "Well, guess a trip to Egypt is out this year, maybe Italy?"... Fuck...
I have a cushy job... not too strenuous, doesn't require me to work too much overtime, nor do my mistakes/triumphs impact the company in a severe way... I get paid a stupid amount of money to look busy... Christ I'm blogging as I 'work'... I drive home tonight, free of danger save for the odd idiot who cannot navigate a snowy road, to a modest townhouse and my big screen tv... watch some reruns, maybe a workout, then off to clean bed to sleep... wake-up/repeat...
I miss that fire... that funny little dance you do as you pull your hair out screaming things like, "I can't believe you think Churchill was a pussy!" and such... I need to think I can change the world, if only for one small lifetime... I need to be able to slam my fist down and say, "this is what I believe!" about something, anything, the smallest thing, doesn't matter... lethargy is a killer...
Ideas?
When I was young, I was pretty involved in World Politics... to the point that there was this one girl who liked me, and I liked her back, but she was involved in the Young Liberals, and me being PC Youth...well...just couldn't have that union happen... I would discuss ad nauseum issues with my Poli Sci profs, or Religious Studies profs if that were the subject that interested me that day... I would hatch plans, defend opinions, plot actions, and know the feeling of power that an undetermined future gave you... Meh... what crap...
Call it innocence lost if you want to be melodramatic... or growing up if you are more realistically inclined... or satiated with life as it is if you are an activist... regardless... what it all boils down to is comfort... I have become comfortable in my life... Lost is the will to stand up in anger over anything more offending than my Roger's Cable bill... People are dying, struggling to make a better life for themselves and their family, and all I can think is, "Well, guess a trip to Egypt is out this year, maybe Italy?"... Fuck...
I have a cushy job... not too strenuous, doesn't require me to work too much overtime, nor do my mistakes/triumphs impact the company in a severe way... I get paid a stupid amount of money to look busy... Christ I'm blogging as I 'work'... I drive home tonight, free of danger save for the odd idiot who cannot navigate a snowy road, to a modest townhouse and my big screen tv... watch some reruns, maybe a workout, then off to clean bed to sleep... wake-up/repeat...
I miss that fire... that funny little dance you do as you pull your hair out screaming things like, "I can't believe you think Churchill was a pussy!" and such... I need to think I can change the world, if only for one small lifetime... I need to be able to slam my fist down and say, "this is what I believe!" about something, anything, the smallest thing, doesn't matter... lethargy is a killer...
Ideas?
Monday, September 27, 2010
Lifestyle: Superstition ain't the way...
Wow...March eh? That's the last blog I've written, an infamous posted and deleted from March...I've had nothing worth writing about since March...nah that can't be right...I mean...so much has happened, so much change, drama, laughs and cries...it doesn't seem like it's been since March...I feel like an adult who revisits the house of his youth, only to find that rocking horse in the attic, covered in dust and cobwebs, worn handles and marks in the wood, but still intact...the seat looks inviting, I'm going to rock for a spell...
I'm spooked...as I've come to realize, my only muse to write seems to be emotional pain...mainly selfish, self-loathing rants designed as both therapy and punishment...as attacks or in defence, regardless of how well-worded or clever...well...that's boring, even if you like their music, you realize that you only needed to buy AC/DC albums up to Back in Black, the rest is just repetition...Yet here I am...writing...a little lackluster maybe, but writing...naked, without the comfort and warmth of bitter misery...I've cast off that shadow, I've met the day, I'm having tea in the garden...where's my top hat...
I'm about to close the book on 2 years...I'm a few days away from it...the bookmark has been placed on the second last page for months. I know how the story ends...there will be no surprise climax...and though I've been procrastinating finally finishing it off, it's time to put it on the shelf to collect dust with the rest...so I will do it justice, finish off that chapter, and whole-heartedly delve into the one I've been enjoying these last three months...it's a comedy/drama...I haven't laughed so hard....
A funny thing happens sometimes...sometimes after you've picked yourself up, smoothed out the wrinkles, adjusted the necktie, checked your collar, smeared down that cowlick, and step into that life you've created for yourself...sometimes you miss that puddle as you walk...make it through a whole coffee wearing a still white shirt...catch that elevator before the doors close...
Am I less interesting to read now? Maybe...no one slows on the 401 when there is no accident...well... seldom...Maybe I'll find something different to speak on...there is an election coming...you can smell it in the air...
I'm spooked...as I've come to realize, my only muse to write seems to be emotional pain...mainly selfish, self-loathing rants designed as both therapy and punishment...as attacks or in defence, regardless of how well-worded or clever...well...that's boring, even if you like their music, you realize that you only needed to buy AC/DC albums up to Back in Black, the rest is just repetition...Yet here I am...writing...a little lackluster maybe, but writing...naked, without the comfort and warmth of bitter misery...I've cast off that shadow, I've met the day, I'm having tea in the garden...where's my top hat...
I'm about to close the book on 2 years...I'm a few days away from it...the bookmark has been placed on the second last page for months. I know how the story ends...there will be no surprise climax...and though I've been procrastinating finally finishing it off, it's time to put it on the shelf to collect dust with the rest...so I will do it justice, finish off that chapter, and whole-heartedly delve into the one I've been enjoying these last three months...it's a comedy/drama...I haven't laughed so hard....
A funny thing happens sometimes...sometimes after you've picked yourself up, smoothed out the wrinkles, adjusted the necktie, checked your collar, smeared down that cowlick, and step into that life you've created for yourself...sometimes you miss that puddle as you walk...make it through a whole coffee wearing a still white shirt...catch that elevator before the doors close...
Am I less interesting to read now? Maybe...no one slows on the 401 when there is no accident...well... seldom...Maybe I'll find something different to speak on...there is an election coming...you can smell it in the air...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Lifestyle: I am Solar Powered...but still pollute...
I love sunny days....warm sunny days...not the kind you get in the summer though...you expect those ones...rather the kind that come around when you don't really think they ever would...like today...today is a great sunny day...Winter just might be over...Spring has yet to arrive in full force...days like this you cherish, because you are not supposed to have them...
I must be a bear...all Winter I semi-hibernate...I do play Winter sports...like hockey, skiing, even had our own version of Winter Olympics up at Jer's place with the volleyball crew...but for the most part...the days just pass...don't go outside much...not really that active...things are quiet...until that first sunny day...
As a kid, my marks would plummet around April/May...too busy staring out the window wishing I was chasing tadpoles or playing baseball...I'd get really fidgety...and things haven't change...I'm really fidgety right now...and I've been outside 3 times already...this blog is suffering creativity in lieu of needing to escape to enjoy the rest of the day...ha....I want to go for a drive...see some water...begging for summer to arrive...
Days like today catch you by surprise...Days like today give you hope that tomorrow will be brighter...Days like today encourage you to finally shrug off that heavy overcoat you've been suffering under all Winter...Days like today allow you to willingly step outside, not forcibly...Days like today will bring you peace of mind...Days like today are too rare...Days like today...happen for a reason...Days like today...well..makes me wish that everyday could have been like today, but reminds me that we can find our own sunny days, in our own way...
I must be a bear...all Winter I semi-hibernate...I do play Winter sports...like hockey, skiing, even had our own version of Winter Olympics up at Jer's place with the volleyball crew...but for the most part...the days just pass...don't go outside much...not really that active...things are quiet...until that first sunny day...
As a kid, my marks would plummet around April/May...too busy staring out the window wishing I was chasing tadpoles or playing baseball...I'd get really fidgety...and things haven't change...I'm really fidgety right now...and I've been outside 3 times already...this blog is suffering creativity in lieu of needing to escape to enjoy the rest of the day...ha....I want to go for a drive...see some water...begging for summer to arrive...
Days like today catch you by surprise...Days like today give you hope that tomorrow will be brighter...Days like today encourage you to finally shrug off that heavy overcoat you've been suffering under all Winter...Days like today allow you to willingly step outside, not forcibly...Days like today will bring you peace of mind...Days like today are too rare...Days like today...happen for a reason...Days like today...well..makes me wish that everyday could have been like today, but reminds me that we can find our own sunny days, in our own way...
Monday, March 15, 2010
Lifestyle: Last Of The White Collar Tweakers
Little sleep...I had such hopes for rest...I was back from Leamington on Sunday by supper time...my plans for that night were cancelled...I didn't even need to do laundry...nothing to do but sit and veg and relax...it had been quite a week. No...my body doesn't know what to do with downtime anymore...I've given it such a workout keeping busy that sitting idly is torture...but I force myself. Luckily the Grindhouse Double Bill was playing on IFC...at least I'll be entertained...until 2 am.
I never sleep well after I've had contact with her...I'm not at that point yet...yet...
Morning comes...I've managed to hit both snooze alarms about 50 times...I'm late..or will be late...so I make up some excuse about an appointment and that I'll be in by 10am...and drag myself to the shower. I'm the king of showers...or at least in their duration...I caught my knees giving out from under me...I must have nodded off standing again...leaned into the corner...the hot water and smell of lever 2000 does nothing to brighten my day...
45 minutes later (I told you...) the water had run cold...at least I'm now awake...I stumble into the bedroom...stand there, dripping...staring at the covers turned aside...they are so inviting...perhaps if I let them swallow me, I'll never have to see the day again...
No!...that voice inside me rebels...I don't think it's conscience...because I don't think I have one...or at least have never displayed it...I stare at a whiteboard that is drilled into the bedroom wall...it's still has children's drawings on it...I should have removed that by now...I need to remodel...I need a change of scenery...but I'm not ready to depart Ontario...so new colours on the wall will have to suffice...as soon as Krista gets a free weekend...
I wasn't going to start the day with a coffee and egg McMuffin...I was going to grocery shop and get healthy food...something at least to keep that litre of milk and half empty jar of mayonnaise company...I inhale the junk food at stop lights...so I can cram another cigarette in before I get to work...I have to remember to pay Hydro today...they'll cut me off if not...and it's not like I don't have the money...more the fact that I've been afraid to check the mailbox for 3 weeks...tax season...that's my excuse to explain why I have this unnatural phobia...
An hour late...I trod down the main hallway at work which seems exceptionally long this morning...the metaphor slaps me in the face of the light at the end of the hall that seems so far away...and I reach it only to realize that there is another sharp right then left turn...then more hall...of course...
I sit with a sigh...let it begin...Monday after being away...always hell...strange...no emergencies...are things that calm...or do my eyes betray me...and people leave me alone...I've made a choice...I'm going to ask my counselor to refer me to a therapist...fuck...am I ever becoming an Upper Canadian...back home...you'd just drink the pain of it all away and things would be fine...broke...but fine...at least in the little world you have provided yourself...
I feel like I'm crossing a frozen pond...but it's getting on to spring...the air is warm...and I need to get to the other side...but the long way around is too long...so I cross. The ice groans and cracks under my feet as I walk like a trapeze artist...water bubbles up in the thinner parts...I dodge those but my feet are soaked...I stop to survey the landscape...if this was a bad idea...it's too late to turn back now...I am making it across, slowly, with little wear save for a cold pinky toe...but the path is so precarious...at any point I feel I can fall through...and that would be it...I'm tired...but I fight the desire to see that outcome...
The day moves on...there are good people around me...and they have been texting all day to keep me occupied...and there is work too...I actually got stuff done...though not what I wanted...no workout plan created...no diet researched...no calls made...but hey, Hydro was paid...I'll have lights tonight...maybe I'll take that as more metaphorical than just power...maybe I've provided my own light in the darkness...of mine own accord...sweet...that whiteboard just might come down tonight after all....
I never sleep well after I've had contact with her...I'm not at that point yet...yet...
Morning comes...I've managed to hit both snooze alarms about 50 times...I'm late..or will be late...so I make up some excuse about an appointment and that I'll be in by 10am...and drag myself to the shower. I'm the king of showers...or at least in their duration...I caught my knees giving out from under me...I must have nodded off standing again...leaned into the corner...the hot water and smell of lever 2000 does nothing to brighten my day...
45 minutes later (I told you...) the water had run cold...at least I'm now awake...I stumble into the bedroom...stand there, dripping...staring at the covers turned aside...they are so inviting...perhaps if I let them swallow me, I'll never have to see the day again...
No!...that voice inside me rebels...I don't think it's conscience...because I don't think I have one...or at least have never displayed it...I stare at a whiteboard that is drilled into the bedroom wall...it's still has children's drawings on it...I should have removed that by now...I need to remodel...I need a change of scenery...but I'm not ready to depart Ontario...so new colours on the wall will have to suffice...as soon as Krista gets a free weekend...
I wasn't going to start the day with a coffee and egg McMuffin...I was going to grocery shop and get healthy food...something at least to keep that litre of milk and half empty jar of mayonnaise company...I inhale the junk food at stop lights...so I can cram another cigarette in before I get to work...I have to remember to pay Hydro today...they'll cut me off if not...and it's not like I don't have the money...more the fact that I've been afraid to check the mailbox for 3 weeks...tax season...that's my excuse to explain why I have this unnatural phobia...
An hour late...I trod down the main hallway at work which seems exceptionally long this morning...the metaphor slaps me in the face of the light at the end of the hall that seems so far away...and I reach it only to realize that there is another sharp right then left turn...then more hall...of course...
I sit with a sigh...let it begin...Monday after being away...always hell...strange...no emergencies...are things that calm...or do my eyes betray me...and people leave me alone...I've made a choice...I'm going to ask my counselor to refer me to a therapist...fuck...am I ever becoming an Upper Canadian...back home...you'd just drink the pain of it all away and things would be fine...broke...but fine...at least in the little world you have provided yourself...
I feel like I'm crossing a frozen pond...but it's getting on to spring...the air is warm...and I need to get to the other side...but the long way around is too long...so I cross. The ice groans and cracks under my feet as I walk like a trapeze artist...water bubbles up in the thinner parts...I dodge those but my feet are soaked...I stop to survey the landscape...if this was a bad idea...it's too late to turn back now...I am making it across, slowly, with little wear save for a cold pinky toe...but the path is so precarious...at any point I feel I can fall through...and that would be it...I'm tired...but I fight the desire to see that outcome...
The day moves on...there are good people around me...and they have been texting all day to keep me occupied...and there is work too...I actually got stuff done...though not what I wanted...no workout plan created...no diet researched...no calls made...but hey, Hydro was paid...I'll have lights tonight...maybe I'll take that as more metaphorical than just power...maybe I've provided my own light in the darkness...of mine own accord...sweet...that whiteboard just might come down tonight after all....
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