Little sleep...I had such hopes for rest...I was back from Leamington on Sunday by supper time...my plans for that night were cancelled...I didn't even need to do laundry...nothing to do but sit and veg and relax...it had been quite a week. No...my body doesn't know what to do with downtime anymore...I've given it such a workout keeping busy that sitting idly is torture...but I force myself. Luckily the Grindhouse Double Bill was playing on IFC...at least I'll be entertained...until 2 am.
I never sleep well after I've had contact with her...I'm not at that point yet...yet...
Morning comes...I've managed to hit both snooze alarms about 50 times...I'm late..or will be late...so I make up some excuse about an appointment and that I'll be in by 10am...and drag myself to the shower. I'm the king of showers...or at least in their duration...I caught my knees giving out from under me...I must have nodded off standing again...leaned into the corner...the hot water and smell of lever 2000 does nothing to brighten my day...
45 minutes later (I told you...) the water had run cold...at least I'm now awake...I stumble into the bedroom...stand there, dripping...staring at the covers turned aside...they are so inviting...perhaps if I let them swallow me, I'll never have to see the day again...
No!...that voice inside me rebels...I don't think it's conscience...because I don't think I have one...or at least have never displayed it...I stare at a whiteboard that is drilled into the bedroom wall...it's still has children's drawings on it...I should have removed that by now...I need to remodel...I need a change of scenery...but I'm not ready to depart Ontario...so new colours on the wall will have to suffice...as soon as Krista gets a free weekend...
I wasn't going to start the day with a coffee and egg McMuffin...I was going to grocery shop and get healthy food...something at least to keep that litre of milk and half empty jar of mayonnaise company...I inhale the junk food at stop lights...so I can cram another cigarette in before I get to work...I have to remember to pay Hydro today...they'll cut me off if not...and it's not like I don't have the money...more the fact that I've been afraid to check the mailbox for 3 weeks...tax season...that's my excuse to explain why I have this unnatural phobia...
An hour late...I trod down the main hallway at work which seems exceptionally long this morning...the metaphor slaps me in the face of the light at the end of the hall that seems so far away...and I reach it only to realize that there is another sharp right then left turn...then more hall...of course...
I sit with a sigh...let it begin...Monday after being away...always hell...strange...no emergencies...are things that calm...or do my eyes betray me...and people leave me alone...I've made a choice...I'm going to ask my counselor to refer me to a therapist...fuck...am I ever becoming an Upper Canadian...back home...you'd just drink the pain of it all away and things would be fine...broke...but fine...at least in the little world you have provided yourself...
I feel like I'm crossing a frozen pond...but it's getting on to spring...the air is warm...and I need to get to the other side...but the long way around is too long...so I cross. The ice groans and cracks under my feet as I walk like a trapeze artist...water bubbles up in the thinner parts...I dodge those but my feet are soaked...I stop to survey the landscape...if this was a bad idea...it's too late to turn back now...I am making it across, slowly, with little wear save for a cold pinky toe...but the path is so precarious...at any point I feel I can fall through...and that would be it...I'm tired...but I fight the desire to see that outcome...
The day moves on...there are good people around me...and they have been texting all day to keep me occupied...and there is work too...I actually got stuff done...though not what I wanted...no workout plan created...no diet researched...no calls made...but hey, Hydro was paid...I'll have lights tonight...maybe I'll take that as more metaphorical than just power...maybe I've provided my own light in the darkness...of mine own accord...sweet...that whiteboard just might come down tonight after all....
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